photo ideas

that i'm writing here until i can find my journaling book:

-photographic dictionary

-i love you but...

-i'm the last in line

Chatter

Recently I've stepped out of my comfort zone of purposeful ignorance and actually been taking a lot of time to reflect on my own. Unusual, very, but I think I came to the conclusion that it was time to sort out what it was exactly that I wanted out of my life.

I think it started near my birthday when I went "Girl, you're 23 and there are people way more successful and not stagnant like you."

Realistically there wasn't much I could do about my job, about my success, about where I'm living.

Two things came of the thinking.

1. I want to start my own side business for design and photography. That way for weddings, or anything else, there can be packages which include both aspects (invite, program design and photos) or buying one or the other. I can do websites too. I think it's sweet and a good way to have some side income.

2. There is one person who means more than anything else to me and just when I got to the point of telling them that, BANG, relationship. Really, it wasn't a NEW thought it was just a new thought in terms of "holy shit I should get on this."

So what I learned is that, while I may wait forever for someone, someone won't always wait for me. Hardest lesson to learn lately.

So heartbreak, throwing myself into my work and forgetting that anyone else exists. I want to pick up tattooing, I want a new tattoo, I want to be successful and make a name for myself. And I guess that's all I can want right now. Nothing else will change.

Thanks Chuck.

“

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

”

- Chuck Klosterman

Following the Tracks

I followed where the tracks lead.

And I found myself.

But instead of what I hoped I'd find, I was met with something cold and almost lifeless. Vacant eyes registering where I moved.

I couldn't look away. I wanted to head back the way I came.

Instead, it pulled me in.

The cold was overpowering. Too tired to pull away, I accepted it.

And waited.

something out of the ordinary

I was mentioning to a friend of mine the other night that I feel like I'm a little girl again. Part of it has a lot to do with the fact that post-surgery has left me fairly incapable of doing even simple tasks for myself, but the other half too, is that I just feel like things are happening and I'm young all over again.

Anyway, I'm currently a tiny little ball of pretty bad insecurity which I didn't even go through when I was younger so maybe its just catching up to me now. I had a whole blog planned out and then I talked on the phone for awhile with another friend and, sort of, about what I was intending to talk about.

I don't really think that talking about it will make it better. I don't really know why I feel like I'm not good enough. (Well relationship wise I do and I guess, in a way, that's one of the ones that's kicking me right now.) But I never ever talk about these things and maybe they've just gotten to the point where they've built up far too much.

I always seem to be on one end of this situation. I just wish it never happened.

why i don't play sports

So I don't play sports. I used to play soccer as a kid, I ran a bit, and then I realized I was bad at them and stopped playing.

But on Saturday I decided that I would have fun and play soccer and I was doing really well too.

So its Monday and I have my foot fractured in two places.

Life needs to stop handing me the entirely crazy unexpected things.

my cat is accidentally high on bleach

I cleaned the kitchen and the smell of the bleach has made my cat high and hyper. Truth is, I'd rather him be this way than being lethargic. However, I would rather him not play with the curtains and try to pull them down.

Its cute, but its also annoying.

I'm getting baptized on Sunday. Its a huge thing for me and I'm glad I'm doing it. I need to write out what I'm going to say up there and from there I should be good. A lot of people have asked me why now and realistically, it was because of a fortune cookie. It simply said "It is better to go with someone than to go it alone" and I was like "yeah ok." But truthfully, part of it is that my life is so crazy and all over the place right now and for the first time ever I want to be able to do something totally by faith instead of being scared all the time.

I'm being more social, Internet. I'm working on being less shy and its pretty awesome. I volunteered as a leader to help with the Junior High youth group. We went bowling and those kids are pretty cool.

Also, in a strange twist of fate, I'm going to decline a job interview for a company I really wanted to work for because I don't want to move again. I suppose I just decided I wanted to stay here.