something out of the ordinary

I was mentioning to a friend of mine the other night that I feel like I'm a little girl again. Part of it has a lot to do with the fact that post-surgery has left me fairly incapable of doing even simple tasks for myself, but the other half too, is that I just feel like things are happening and I'm young all over again.

Anyway, I'm currently a tiny little ball of pretty bad insecurity which I didn't even go through when I was younger so maybe its just catching up to me now. I had a whole blog planned out and then I talked on the phone for awhile with another friend and, sort of, about what I was intending to talk about.

I don't really think that talking about it will make it better. I don't really know why I feel like I'm not good enough. (Well relationship wise I do and I guess, in a way, that's one of the ones that's kicking me right now.) But I never ever talk about these things and maybe they've just gotten to the point where they've built up far too much.

I always seem to be on one end of this situation. I just wish it never happened.

why i don't play sports

So I don't play sports. I used to play soccer as a kid, I ran a bit, and then I realized I was bad at them and stopped playing.

But on Saturday I decided that I would have fun and play soccer and I was doing really well too.

So its Monday and I have my foot fractured in two places.

Life needs to stop handing me the entirely crazy unexpected things.

my cat is accidentally high on bleach

I cleaned the kitchen and the smell of the bleach has made my cat high and hyper. Truth is, I'd rather him be this way than being lethargic. However, I would rather him not play with the curtains and try to pull them down.

Its cute, but its also annoying.

I'm getting baptized on Sunday. Its a huge thing for me and I'm glad I'm doing it. I need to write out what I'm going to say up there and from there I should be good. A lot of people have asked me why now and realistically, it was because of a fortune cookie. It simply said "It is better to go with someone than to go it alone" and I was like "yeah ok." But truthfully, part of it is that my life is so crazy and all over the place right now and for the first time ever I want to be able to do something totally by faith instead of being scared all the time.

I'm being more social, Internet. I'm working on being less shy and its pretty awesome. I volunteered as a leader to help with the Junior High youth group. We went bowling and those kids are pretty cool.

Also, in a strange twist of fate, I'm going to decline a job interview for a company I really wanted to work for because I don't want to move again. I suppose I just decided I wanted to stay here.

the punchline is that i'm the butt of every joke

I always said I'd never end up in Fort McMurray.

When I ended up in Fort McMurray I said I'd never find a job in my field.

When I found a job in my field I said I would just do that and I wouldn't get into any relationships while I was here. Nothing to tye me down as it were.

I talked to the pastor's wife about a lot of things last night.

I hope God is having a grand time laughing at me. I'm glad I'm amusing.

not dead, yet, soon to be? probably not

I haven't posted in a bit and I think its partially a way of making it seem like I have a life. (Clearly I'm not blogging because I'm too busy to blog, aren't you jealous of me internet?)

Internet I am lying.

Though I've become more busy. A lot of unexpected things have happened, and I mean that is the name of the blog so what else can I say other than its perfect. I've been here for 3 months now (I suppose more three and a half I guess) and things are finally starting to kind of pick up. I think that last week was one of the hardest weeks that I've gone through. The lack of friends was really getting to me and since I was depressed when I came here its not a surprise that I sometimes have bad days.

But!

I've actually started to get more involved with things which is a Big Deal since I'm horribly shy and sometimes I miss out on things. I actually went to a bible study the other night and found it quite enjoyable (which is amazing for me).

The other thing is that I've been doing a lot creatively. At least thinking about it, but as usual I don't have a platform for anything I think up.

This has been my inspiration lately.

in which i chatter, but no one listens

So I talk a lot to my friends about how much I hate it here. Responses vary between somewhat understanding sympathy and telling me to deal with it because it was my choice (which it wasn't really) etc.

Anyway, the point is that I thought once I got a job and started making money and actually had something to do here that it would, in a way, turn things around. I guess the bright side of things is that it has tamed it a little bit. I'm not hating life with the same sort of passion anymore, but it hasn't fixed what the issue is. At this point I'm not certain what will and I think that's even scarier.

And I don't really want to talk about it with anyone because no one really cares and none of my friends have been around all week which meant that its been a long and lonely week. I never realized how much I rely on the communication I get from the internet (as in, my friends on msn and what not) to keep me sane. That is, I didn't realize how much I needed them to keep me from being depressed until they haven't been around.

consider me impressed

A movie where Sara Jessica Parker doesn't look like a total horse.

Consider me impressed.

the life and times of the new working girl

I'm not a fan of the time I'm actually getting up in the morning, but I've really been loving my job. Its been a while since I was up at 7 am, a time which I made sure I never saw when going through University. I'm lazy and try to find ways to cheat the getting up early system.

So its really not so bad. Everyone I work with is nice. I'm just trying to get into the swing of things. I miss my big city life, but at least I won't be tempted to spend my money.

I am currently listening to a man explain to my father that he should own and be able to shoot a gun as its his spiritual obligation to protect his family. My exact that was "what? wait...WHAT?!"

things i've learned from being unemployed

No matter how much you say you won't, day time TV will become a part of the very fabric of your being. It may not be horrible talk shows (I'm looking you Maury) but at least there are other things to watch. I now know more about wedding dresses than I'll ever need to know thanks to TLC, I know how to handle budgets thanks to Slice and I'm caught up on all my celebrity news.

Sleep schedules don't exist. I think I've gotten up at noon and gone to bed at 2am for the last few months. Which is too bad because the one thing that that is good for is getting fat and being tired all the time.

Also, food schedules. Who really needs 3 meals a day?

I've learned how to live off of $600 and thankful for my parents taking me back in.

I'm sure I could think of more but I haven't got the mind for it right now. Farewell unemployment, I never liked you anyway.

finally things are turning around

I received a job offer today. One that is in my field and something that I should (unless something really odd happens) enjoy. Its here so while I didn't get out like I wanted, at least I can live at home and make money and save (unless Dad decides to start charging me rent.)

So I'm quite excited. Its about time that something happened. Its been 5 months of job hunting, and almost 2 months of being in this place and my life is actually starting to pick up and actually be a life. No more day time tv (goodbye Little People, Big World), no more staying up until 3 am and sleeping until noon and no more feeling like I have no reason to get up in the mornings. I am looking forward to being up (less so that I'm at work at 8:30) and having somewhere to go and things to do.

Its scary though. At this point its not just starting a Job, its actually starting a Career. When did I get to be an adult?

the great northern alberta adventure

I ended up going on an unexpected whirlwind trip of Northern Alberta yesterday. I was returning to Fort McMurray from Edmonton and the highway was closed. There is pretty much one way into the town so its a tiny bit of an issue. Turns out that about 30 min before I arrived on the scene, some idiot forced a tanker truck off the road where it then burst into flames. Fuel on fire at the side of the road is just a fantastic thing to have.

I ended up turning back the way I had come to take a detour through Lac La Biche. I arrived to find that the road out of town was also closed and had to detour again. I got to see a lot of Northern Alberta in the process. I think that we should just rip it out and start again because its not a very efficient part of the province. The lakes up here are lovely though. I've also learned that I never ever want to have to do that drive again. It really is just silly and also added an extra 3 hours to my drive.

unpacking. still.

I really should take photos of my room in its current state as a way to demonstrate just how terribly my closet, nay my bedroom, is set up. I began to unpack the boxes of clothing today (a feat all on its own) and soon came to a very tragic realization. I am in desperate need of shelving. For the life of me I can't figure out why you'd make a closet without shelves or a bathroom without drawers. I need ways to organize or I'm going to live in a pigsty. (More so than I already am).

In related news. I find a reason almost every day to hate it here more and more. This is far and away the worst town I've ever lived in and to those of you who might read this and be from Fort McMurray, I'm sorry, but its true and deep down you probably know it too.

interviews again

I had more interviews. Well one more. Though its for a retail job. I think one of the hardest things at the moment is trying not to be discouraged about the lack of jobs in my field. I think at the moment I may be the only person who graduated with me who is jobless. I might be exaggerating that.

Anyway, so again, the interview went really well. I may have this one and the only downside is the fact that its not in my field. I'm still applying though. Wish me luck.

I should probably do an actual update rather than really lame ones like this.

still alive

The last little bit has been uneventful which, I think, is to be expected really. Learning to live in a smaller place with less is quite odd. I came from Southern Alberta where everything closed at 6 on the weekends except for bars and the movie theatre to here where the only theatre I've seen has been closed down. I'm a big city girl, the lack of shopping, Starbucks and hair salons is a strange thing to get used to.

I finally started to unpack my belongings. Since the job didn't happen, I've resigned myself to sort of be here at least long enough that I should unpack as much as I hate the idea. A lot of the time I talk about the things that I hate here. Really, the truth is I haven't found anything I love so its not that I'm focusing on the negative, its that I've yet to find something I truly love about it.

I'm applying for some retail jobs tomorrow, I've met a few people who are kind of my age. I'm working on trying to fit in somewhere. But while I'm waiting I came up with a photo idea that I'll just copy from my Facebook note earlier this week.

What sparked this idea is the overwhelming feeling that so many people feel they need to be thin to be beautiful or whatever else it takes to be "beautiful." We've all got our own little insecurities and things we had, but the idea here is that when two images are put side by side, one featuring a part of you that you dislike and one part that you love more than anything, that no one would be able to tell what the "ugly" part is. Sure everyone can guess, but it might not be as glaringly obvious as you feel it is.

So with all the insecurities and dieting and trying to look a way that we aren't meant to look the idea to showcase beauty in a different way. Celebrating a more natural, more attainable, more real version of beauty.

The idea is to take an empty photo frame and people. Every kind of person, male or female, no matter how you feel about yourself and take two photos. One using the frame to frame a part of you that you don't like and one using the frame to frame a part of you that you love. The thing you love can be something as small as your elbow or as big as your whole face, it doesn't matter. I want to then put them together in a diptych and show them as one full image. Faces won't be shown unless that's the feature you love and want to be shown so you don't even have to worry about someone identifying you. (My original thought was to name the images with the first name of the model and where they are from. Michael from Edmonton is pretty ambiguous.)

So this is where I need your help. I need people to take photos of, so if you're comfortable with it and want to get in on the experiment let me know. If you have friends that want to model, pass this on and let me know. I'd love to have as many different people represented as possible. I know that some of you have already expressed interest (or I thought you'd be interested) in joining me on my little crusade for beauty and I'd love you guys to help me spread the word.

Who knows what could come of it, but I'd love everyone to join in this experiment with me.

setback

So my interview had gone really well, they were really impressed and all of that and most importantly I was feeling good about it.

Fast forward to today, I get a phone call from the company (though not the person that I had interviewed with) and was told that they had filled the position as I was overqualified. I'm feeling a bit down on that as it seems like I'm either too qualified or not qualified enough.

Someone needs to give me a job soon.

at least i have tv

So life up here is quite dull. The main issue being that I don't know anyone and its hard to meet people. If this interview in Red Deer tanks I'll probably just find a job here that is crappy but will give me money at least.  On the up side, I have tv. Something I didn't have before coming here so I spend the time watching Star, Slice and Space.  I'm turning into a middle aged housewife who watches makeover shows in the middle of the day. 

I keep seeing all of these commercials for eHarmony. Its not like I'm looking for a relationship at all, but hey, it could be a way to make friends. Plus I'm always wondering about the interface design of a website like that. 

I need something interesting to do. There isn't much space in this house to do my more artistic photos either. 

unexpected, but awesome

I have a job interview.

vacation. sort of.

Yesterday I got back from a three day excursion to Edmonton. Nice to see friends and get some things done that I can't get done here, like visit Ikea since they are one of the few places that actually sells bedlinen in colours that are relevant to my interests. (Why am I not European? Seems like that would be a better lot in life for me.)

So outside of errands and seeing Inglorious Basterds which was dull, I got to spend a lot of time actually visiting with people and of course seeing "Captain Hook vs the Zombies" at Edmonton Fringe which I did the posters for. 

It was all fun which was to be expected I think.

Thursday night was my first night in town and upon arrival, which because of construction and trains was a 5 hour drive, I mostly just wanted to collapse. A friend and I walked to the local 7/11 and bought slurpees and I basked in the idea that you can go places and get things at 10:00 at night. (I have been living in small towns far too long.)

What I really haven't been expecting is how much I miss certain people and how actually getting to hang out with friends would make me miss them even more. There are two or so people who currently fit this category and I'm entirely confused by it. I don't generally miss people or, at least, not to an extent where I'm actually upset enough to cry about it. (Sometimes I'm just a heartless bitch, I know.) But the truth is, most of what I'm feeling is wanting to go back to where I was before so that I can see them.

Michael and I also might start a band for fun.

dirty towns and unpacking

Yesterday (when I meant to blog originally) it rained all day. Which is alright since I was inside and I didn't feel bad about hiding out inside a house when a beautiful day was just waiting for me. The funny thing about this place is that the rain doesn't feel like it refreshes you. It just feels more dirty.  I swear that it rains mud here. It might be from the oil sands stuff or the fact that the city has a lot of construction going on, but I feel like I haven't been clean since I got here.

I've been spending a lot of time in the new house unpacking it with my mom. We aren't in it yet, but hopefully soon we'll get out of this condo. (I've been living out of a suitcase since I got here.) The nice thing about our house is that it was entirely custom built so its quite unique. The bad thing about our house is that it was entirely custom built and so its quite unique.

Let me explain. We have gorgeous hardwood flooring, its a deep rich brown and quite different from any other I've seen.  The hallways are big and there are a ton of windows that open up as well as everything having a rustic, trendy feeling.  On the flip side, the hallway space makes for very little bedroom space, the basement door blocks an entrance when open, they painted it so dark you need lights at 2 am and every bathroom is missing not only towel racks but also toilet paper holders. My biggest complaint being that, again, my bathroom as no drawers. 

Its funny because the more we go through this house the more we find that these people we weird and left out very normal things. There are also 4 bathrooms with no similarities between them. It looks like every bathroom was designed by someone else for another house and grafted onto this one.

But I still can't wait to get out of this condo. Being downtown and so close to the highway, its always loud and I can't sleep.

sunday morning

So for the last four years I've been living in Lethbridge, away from my family, and not going to church. A family rule is that anyone staying in the house must attend church on Sunday morning. This includes house-guests who may not even be regular church goers, but you still have to.

Now that I'm back with them I was waiting for the moment where I'd be dragged back to this ritual. So today I was woken up before 9 and we all got ready and as a family we all drove up the hill to Fort McMurray Alliance Church for the morning. 

And I'm impressed Fort McMurray Alliance Church, I actually liked you. You have nice people, neat ideas, good worship and you're not a clique like some small churches. You like new people and that makes me happy.  So I was expecting crap, boring, what have you and I was quite surprised to leave having actually enjoyed myself and that is truly something.

what this is all about

I thought, for the sake of documenting this, that I would start up a blog chronicling my thoughts about how I feel about how unexpectedly my life has turned out. 

For some background: I'm currently a recent graduate, unemployed, nearly broke, living back with my parents who have just moved to a small town in Northern Alberta where I probably just saw a drug deal going on down the street. (And before you ask, yes, drug deals DO happen. Frequently. In fact, traffic actually picks up in the neighbourhood around 12 am and if that isn't sketchy I'm not sure what is.)  I have, in the past 8 or so months, been rejected from Grad School and every single job application and no, its not because I'm not talented (I have been successfully freelancing) or because I had bad marks. If I knew what it was I'd probably fix it if I could. People are blaming the recession and that may be true, but I also think that people have a very strong obsession with blaming something for the bad shit that goes on in their lives.

So truth be told, I did not expect to be 22, unemployed, living with my parents and watching the E! Network religiously on Youtube.  Although, Chelsea Handler where have you been all my life? To be fair though, sitting around watching episodes of trashy TV online makes me feel sad and pathetic, but I'm fine with it, because it seems like there is a high percentage population of people feeling the exact same way in this town and what can I say, shows making fun of celebrities or having news about anything media related is my crack. So I'm at least somewhat better than some of the population who's crack is actually crack.

And if you're expecting bitching and whining well you might get that. I can be a huge bitch and who doesn't whine when things don't turn out. But good stuff can be something that you don't expect to. For instance:

I am also a self-sustaining freelance graphic designer (also photographer and illustrator), a self published author who produced a children's book which I wrote and illustrated, I've had my work featured prominently in the Edmonton Fringe Festival catalogue and program and all my charming and beautiful clients give me far more word of mouth advertising than I could ever dream of.

So its not all bad.